October 17, 1962
It’s been so long I’ve written to you, other than my yearly letters for Saint Patrick’s Day. I hope they’re reaching you. I don’t know because I haven’t gotten a reply yet. I know with certitude, that expecting a letter from you in our particular circumstance is an arduous uncertainty that I shouldn’t be even pursuing. Also, St. Patrick’s Day letters are getting boring now (not that I’m planning to stop them from coming). Coming to the point directly: I’m sorta missing you, but sshh, that’s kind of a secret. I’ve been thinking of coming to your place uninvited. Being the person that I am (yes, still the same), I don’t have the courage to do that. I had the courage to breakup with you. But not this! Funny isn’t it?
But you know, I’ve been thinking about these ten years after I lost you and how both of us have endured it. It wasn’t plain sailing after all and I wish I could live these again. Life is a fairytale of sorts, and that is my theology of living. It’s always a journey which we are put into and taken away from by the author of this narrative and it’s not in our capacity to do anything about it. We just have the power to make it our own little paradise or hell, in the infinitesimal time that we are here. My life was bare and desolate till I was 23. That was when I met you, and that day I made you my very own in my heart: that small little heart that yearned for you every day. You came in and my life just…changed. Each day of ache and thirst for the voice of the person who made me genuinely happy was just priceless. All those days I did not meet you, longing to just get a glimpse of you were the most drawn-out.
Do you know I used to pray for someone like you? I used to pray when I was 19 to make me “better looking” (adolescent problems), remove my pimples, to have more confidence to talk to friends and to give me someone to talk to, amidst of which I joined the army and met you. Remember we used to go back sometimes from army camp together with your sister? I would be so fixated on you! That funny little nurse kit that you used to carry around made me literally deify you. I never thought that after graduating, I would ever see you again. But, we both happened when were not even together in the camp. We happened when there was no hope. We happened when there was no light at the end of the tunnel. But God chose to answer my prayer. Even though my pimples didn’t go, I got you.
Let’s face it: I broke your heart, and honestly at that moment when I said those odious words, I didn’t think that it was irreparable. I was not ready. I was actually thinking of a very mutual solution to it. How imbecile of me! We haven’t spoken to each other for ten years now and so much has changed. It bewilders me how one wrong compromise has costed me so much. I am not proud of the person I see in the mirror everyday! I’ve regretted the fact that I thought that our relationship was worth leaving. But at that time, I was in a different circumstance altogether. I was worried about things and had hit rock bottom in my hopelessness. Even though for you, it would be difficult to fathom, it was toxic. I was toxic actually, and I poisoned you too with me. Even though I was in the shadows, I dragged you to my dark places. Even though I escaped, you went to life support. Even though I just had a scratch, you had a deep wound which is scarred beyond recognition. Even though I was on the surface, you went deep down under and experienced all of it one day at a time. You have been in constant agony, night after night, be it this, or your children, or work or just simply the fear of what is to come! The reality is that I miss you Yvonne! I miss the small things: those escapades, those tears, those trips, those mornings, those choruses, those radio shows, those long walks, those shenanigans..!
Just once, I wish I could hug you.
Just once, I wish I could meet you. Or at least have the courage to.
Just once, I wish you would reply?
Just once, I wish I could live without this pain…
Can we heal, together?